A Conversaton with Elizabeth
1998
Break

From:          Elizabeth
Date:          2/23/98 1:19 PM
Subject:       break
 
Finally got almost all my work done, but probably by now you have gone home, especially with the different time zones.
 
I'm being vague, but I certainly don't want in any sort of a triangle. One of the last sort of relationships I was in, the person was in a "committed" relationship to someone else when I met them. I insisted the very first week that they inform the other person, but it kept being put off. I kept insisting and it kept being put off. As a consequence, we ended up not even being able to be friends or communicate, which might have been save or rescued. As the “single” party in a relationship, while it might not sound callous, my primary duty is not to hurt myself by becoming intrigued or involved with someone who is basically unavailable to me. While it might sound callous again, or unfeeling, I sort of believe that if a person is in a committed relationship or  relationship in which they don’t have a total freedom to relate to someone else, then the responsibility for setting boundaries belongs to them. Then, using that information, I can make a decision whether the relationship is such that I want to continue it. None of this is written in stone, and I’ve never really articulated the above before, but its what I meant by a responsibility to myself and to you. My responsibility to you is not callous, (and I’m not saying my attitude towards others is callous, but writing so quickly I can’t think of a better word wright off) because I know at what point you did care for me very much, and I know I probably hurt your at that time. Hence, re-engagement is not something I can do without pause, reflection, etc. Also, what are my own motives? I know I’m someone isolated at work, and it is such a treat to have these exchanges with you. Your ideas and experiences have already stimulated my own (Escher, Neal Stepheson, etc.)---and then you’ve looked up mandalas.  

Yes, mandalas were originally the Easter meditative tool, but Carl Jung started using them for individual psychotherapy. He had patients draw within a circle (at the workshop we just made a big circle using a paper plate on a piece of paper, then “colored” it in however we felt like doing). Later a psychologist determined that mandals go through developmental stages with a person, as a person works through crises or growth periods or problems. I was very interesting to see all the different mandalas produced—we did that right off the bat before learning to interpret them might spoil our drawings. We taped them all up on a wall and later we interpreted some of them.  

Interesting—perhaps we have a hard time being unique to each other, as we overlap so much. I too went to an insight meditation weekend, not too long ago in fact. It was sort of by accident. It was billed as a buddhist meditation treat and I had absolutely no idea it would be silent, and that there would be no radios, no talking, and no reading. I went on it to “relax” and took my CD’s and a stack of books, and some snacks. We also weren’t supposed to eat sugar. A very interesting weekend. Later a longer retreat was offered and I almost went, but decided that five days of that would have been enough. The weekend was only Friday through Sunday noon. I was in a meditation group a little last year, but it came to conflict with my studying, so after a while I quit going.  

Couldn’t find Neal Stephenson’s book in the used book store, but I did get some later William Gibson, thinking I would give him a try.  

I’m not looking forward to class tonight, which is unusual. In fact, I wish I didn’t have classes on Monday. My work day on Mondays is usually hectic, and I basically would like to relax.  

I started reading, I think it called A Civil Action, about children getting leukemia from contaminated wells outside Boston. I has a lot of lawyer talk in it, but its quite good and won a National Book Critics award.  

Dear Abby is full of “all my husband/wife does is stay on the internet with people” letters.  

Well, enough, I’m glad you told me about what your wife knows. I need to make a final mail pickup and get ready for class. I hope I’m not  timed out on this. Beverly

Relationships