1972
A New Year

A new year did not start out well for me emotionally, after a depressing birthday, disappointing Christmas and spending New Years alone, I was in a generally depressed state of mind, mainly about girls. The only girl that was any interest to me at the time was Anne from church.  Thinking of her I wrote…

Anne

The world is soft and blue
The world is hard and gray
Her eyes are blue
Her eyes are gray
No, they are actually brown
Very dark
How would I know?
I don't know me,
nor does she.

Yes, I found her attractive, yes, I would like to touch her, kiss her, to…. well do whatever comes next, and I thought I knew what that was.  But I could not bring myself to move, advance, approach, talk, ask, plead… I thought about it, agonized over it, she was younger than me and it was improper to, impose, advance, approach, ask… hell I didn’t know, not to mention she was from Church.  It would be just wouldn’t be proper.  But that didn’t mean I didn’t think about it.   I wrote…

Grab Ya  
Well sweetie, how does that grab ya?
Around the knee you say.
Well what would you say if I grabbed you on the… #?
X=@%%#
Well! How could a nice innocent young girl like you
Say such things as that.
I love you to.

My nickname for Anne was “Sweetie”. The only problem was that Anne didn’t seem all that interested in me. She was nice, we talked, but she never expressed any strong interest in being more than just friends. I was in a dark mood when in January I wrote…

What a crummy life, or should I say existence,  I'm leading now. I have all sorts of fantastic dreams, hopes and goals but maybe my goals in life are too high.  No, I don't think so. I believe I could obtain my aims and goals in life if I really tried, but I haven't found the initiative to do so. What I believe I really need is someone (a girl) to agree with me, to understand me, to give me hope and courage and just in general to back up my ego.  But I have yet to find someone, Damn! What a hell of a mess I'm in. But I don't know what to do about it.  

Sometimes I think killing myself is the solution, but I don't want to miss out on really living which I'm not doing now, I am just existing. I believe I've been in a discussion, no, a talk, or a recording of my thoughts about the difference between living and existing. 

Yes, I thought of suicide, but more on a theoretical basis, an answer to my heartache and emotional pain. I never really considered the method, I didn’t have a gun, poison perhaps, but I didn’t really know or have access to any, humm, well Dad could get me some chemicals…, nah! no way, there was no Internet then to look up such things. I really didn’t think the technical details about how, it was more a thought to end my anguish than end to it all.  I really did want to live, I wanted to find the “one”, I wanted to love, I had hope even if it was just a glimmer.

For a while there I thought everything was going to be alright. My job was paying good, I could work for about three more months, and I was just feeling good. It now is near the end of those three months but I wasn't really worried.

At the end of February the Soils Department job again ran out of grant funds and I was let go.  Official reason “Experiment was completed and his services are no longer needed.” I didn’t know what I was going to do, I might have had $100 in my checking account.  But the following week in March they called me back, this time by Dr. Pritchett telling me he got some new grant money and I was hired back, again as a Computer Programmer 1 with the same salary.

In February the pilot movie for the TV series Kung Fu came out on ABC about an orphaned, half American, half Chinese, boy named Kwai Chang Caine who trains in China to be a Shaolin Monk, then having to flee to the American West after killing of a prince after avenging the death of his master. One of the best scenes was when he used a plow share as a shield to deflect the bullets being fired at him by a gunslinger. I loved it. Kwai Chang Caine was quiet, introspective, meek, mild but strong and forceful when called for. He would become my new hero.