1972
Lonely Poetry Period

In the spring I wrote many sad, depressing poems in my journal. Although the poetry is bad, it expressed how I was feeling.

The Ghoul

I say it's past nine
Isn't it time to not exist?
Beware the Ghoul is coming
But she isn't her
I didn't really need her anyway
She is beautiful
But she doesn't exist
Oh well, for a minute there
I thought she did  

How do you know she doesn't exist?
Do you see her now?
Do you feel her now?
 Do you hear her now?
Do you smell her now?
Close your eyes,
Can you sense her presence?
No!
Then how can she possibly exist?
If she doesn't exist,
then do you or anybody exist?

I would lay on the bed for hours, eyes closed, pillow over my head to block any light or sound.  In the dark, soundless void,  I would clear my mind of any thoughts and reach out with my mind trying to feel or sense "her", the one meant for me. Sensing nothing, I would go deeper into the void, searching, listening to find if there was another mind out there.  I found nothing but emptiness, but in some way, I found it calming, comforting.  I didn't know about meditation at the time but later I realized that I had been meditating for years, I just didn't know it.

And then there was “Floating”, possibly inspired by the new Elton John song “Rocket Man” that came out in ’72.

Floating

Floating high in the sky
Coming down do die
Do you see the other side
The side that I hide.
Its lonely up here
Nothing to do
Nothing to see
I am alone
Lonely are those above
with nothing but thoughts
of others long past
that I hide so well  
Within this flesh
I cannot express
the feeling I have f
or you.

---

Dark and Gloomy  

I want to cry
I want to weep
I know you’re going to reject me
But I laugh for
I knew you would from the start
A defeatist attitude I know
But I to you and the
world I say, "Here I am, love me."
I am disappointed, feel lost
I withdraw, hide, reject
Be alone, leave me be
But I need someone
Someone to understand
I wish it would rain
It would fit my mood perfectly,
Dark and gloomy

---

Questions  

Why did you do this to me?
Why did I let you do this to me?
Why could I have not rejected you?
Why could you not have rejected me?
Damn! What a poor mental state I am in
I want you to read this and understand
Then no come to me out of pity,
But come to me with love and understanding.  

 ---

It is so painful it makes me laugh.
---
It is all here is it not? Within, without, all about It comes, it goes But no one really knows What it is all about.
---
This morbid tranquility of life is getting to me.