Upcoming Birthday

What is a Birthday? It is only the day of the year we were born, but… it is more. What happens in a year? We become a year older, perhaps a year wiser. But what really is a birthday, what does it mean to each of us? For me, this year…

I was born on the night of December 22, 1952. December 22 is not just like any other night but it is the longest night of the year. The Winter Solstice happens on December 21st when the sun is at the lowest point, the shortest day, the longest night. An interesting night to be born on. So what does that mean to me? I don't really know, but it is a special day, marked on calendars of ancient times, the Winter Solstice, the end of the millennia, a special day of the year, a full moon, and, my birthday. This year I will be 47. Forty seven is not a particularly special year in ones life persay, I mean not like a 30th, 40th or 50th birthday, 47 is a year in between. For me this year it is also a year between, a year of transition, a year of ending, a year of beginning. The ending of a relationship and a life with one who I once held close, the beginning a new, different life of being alone. A time of reflection on the past, a time of envisioning of what the future may hold. A time of change.

So where am I at this time? On one hand feel older yet on the other like I did when I was twenty. Physically I have, of course, aged, loss of hair, new aches and pains but yet I'm stronger and more flexible then I was when I was when I was twenty. On the other hand my state of mind seems to be much like it was when I was twenty, being alone, the feeling of solitude, the desire to be with someone to whom I feel a strong attraction to but find the feeling is not mutual. To want to express my desire but to express it may break apart what little contact I have. If life is circular then I feel like I've come full circle only to repeat a cycle that I been through before. Perhaps this time around I will learn what I didn't the previous time. To not desire, to not to want would make life simpler but much less interesting.

It seems that solitude, being alone, brings out my desire to write, to paint, and to express my inner thoughts and feelings which makes me think of the "what if", the "only if I had". I used to draw and paint with a passion. "What if", "If I only had" pursued that passion for the arts and what, where my life would be like now. On the other hand I also had a passion for the sciences, computers and that is the path I choose that brought me to where I am now and where would I be if I was not where I am now? I have tremendous respect for people like Susan who originally choose a well paying career in computers but then give it up to choose a new, less certain career in yoga. But how can I give up one passion for another? To give up a sure thing for the risk of the unknown? When does desire and passion overcome the rational, logical?

What is a birthday? For me, this year, it is something special, a time of reflection, an ending, a beginning.

Larry Mixson, 1999