A Conversaton with Elizabeth
1998
The mind, thoughts and perception

From:          Elizabeth
To:            larry.m.mixson@bvs.com
Date:          20 Feb 1998
Subject:       The mind, thoughts and perception.
 
I started watching Millenium when it was a new show, but I found it disturbing (not precisely defined), and at the time didn’t want to explore why or experience the dis-ease. I think it may have been the deadly seriousness about the evil.  The evil in X-files is more that with which I can identify-government conspiracy, cover-ups, dis-information, etc., (the show is definitely 60ish), and also I find the show very humorous. So I quite watching Millenium.  Also, I watch extremely little t.v. anyway. My favorites X-files was the one about the lake “monster”. The part I enjoyed was when Vox and Scully’s boat sank and they were stranded on a little island and had these deep metaphysical/philosophical discussions to pass the time.  Then they “discovered” they were only about ten feet from the mainland. Later they concluded there was no “monster”, and in the very last scene when their backs were turned the “monster” gracefully glided through the lake.
 
I got your reply at both addresses. I am more comfortable not using the hospital’s e-mail system although I like it’s simplicity and lack of ads!  And the speed. And not hanging up.
 
I'll be sending this Monday. I guess I'll just retype it as I didn't even bring a disk with me. I went home, but decided to drive over to the law school to use the computers here to send an e-mail to you. Very frustratingly, however, the service is down. Although I'll continue to do so, I have to or want to be watchful, a little, writing at work. For one thing, my job is very good for me right now, and feels like a gift. Consequently, I feel a little strange making other equally truthful statements about it. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my position, and I think it was wise to get out of the hospital's shared e-mail system. The reality is that at times I have not much to do. Possibly unlike you, however, I have times when I am overwhelmed. I only let people in the hospital know about the latter, never about the former. I try to do project work in slow periods, because no matter how slow it is I can't sit and study my law books for instance. My position was only recently made full time and assigned a professional salary in anticipation of an expanded workload in the near future, when the campus adds another teaching program in July. But until then, in slow times I get restless a little because there's a limited amount with which to occupy myself--mostly medical journals and the net, and wait for lunch and quitting time. However, many, many days I work steadily as well. When interviewing, the Head of Education, who is my only boss, said basically he didn't want to have to worry about the library getting run, that he would hardly ever see me, that I'd work alone without supervision, and that if I didn't think I'd like that to tell him right then. He just said he wanted someone responsible enough to manage on their own because he had a lot of other things that only he could take care of. It seemed ideal to me and is. The only reason he came over today was to give me a $30.00 gift certificate that the hospital decided to give everyone for working so hard. That's when I lost your letter because when he came in I minimized the screen as quickly as possible and then when I came back I was timed out.
 
I'm writing from the law school. I came home, then came to the law school to write to you, but the system is down, so without even a disk I'll have to re-enter this Monday. Why did I come to the law school tonight thinking I couldn't wait until Monday to write. I try to be responsible towards both myself and others in my life now, and I'm questioning some this correspondence with you. Should I know precisely why I sent you the first message? I don't know if I do. Is it irresponsible of me to re-engage with you? I don't know. I would like to try and have honest exchanges, or truthful, but does that mean freely without restriction sharing my thoughts to you as we've re-contacted, or knowing my motivations if any. I feel I'm not staying grounded as it has become so intriguing to write to you (some psych jargon). E-mail is so quick and its so easy to write. I can understand now how people who haven't even known each other can meet on the net and then get into this intense relationship by corresponding. Let me try some truth or honesty. Whether it was boredom at work or what, it became quickly the focus of my day to check for mail from you. Then, I wanted to write back, and slow or not, I still had on and off work to do, research questions, etc. I truthfully feel I never had an intense sexual, or sexualized relationship with you in the past, but then Thursday night when I don't have law classes I found myself awake thinking of you, while all the while I kept "thinking" this is totally ridiculous. As I've reflected on my life over the years, I often said to myself, "Larry is the person I should have married." But then I have to remind myself that apparently at the time when that might have been a development, I didn't want it, or couldn't see it, or felt it wasn't right. I don't think its regret that I'm expressing, or "boy you shouldn't have let him get away," but sometimes more of a why. And yet it's those why's and their answers which have led me on my own journeys and led you on yours. When I saw that Escher of the intertwined heads M.C. Escher, Bond of Union, lithograph, April 1956the other day on the net (did I mention that) I thought "That's our relationship" now. It also let me recognize how with this electronic intimacy I've quickly become captivated with you, even while recognizing that this is a dis-embodied relationship. Who said, "The brain (or is it the mind) is THE erogenous zone."
 
Glorious sex with a hitherto anonymous stranger is supposed to be every woman's fantasy--a la Erica Jong in her earlier (pre-AIDS)[2] days. EJ

[2] By 1998 the AIDs epidemic had peaked and deaths from it was in decline but was still widespread which put a damper on sexual relationships when it was recommend before having sex you ask if your partner if they had been tested.

Like WOW! Totally blow my mind, she was having thoughts of having sex with me. I wasn’t expecting that. I would totally agree about her not have “sexualized relationship” with me in the past, I don’t think we had sex three or four times back in those days which was a problem for me as I wanted to have sex with her like every time we were together, it was one of the reasons why I left her behind. But marry her? Although I loved her then, our relationship then was on such tumultuous ground that I would not have married her. Sometimes in envision what my life would have been like if we had married, likely both of us with some Masters or Ph.D. degree and working at the University. I think it would have been a life I would have enjoyed. But our paths led us apart and here we now found ourselves now in a dis-embodied relationship.  

I too looked forward to the “electronic intimacy” of her emails each day.  

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