A Conversation with Elizabeth
1998
Synchronicity

From:          Elizabeth
To:            larry.m.mixon@bvs.com
Date:          3/13/98 9:50am
Subject:       Synchronicity
 
I can't believe, I was here early and had written you a quite long note, but HM was really acting up and despite save draft and a CC to myself, my letter got lost. (Except if you do get a long letter talking about my finishing The Wall, let me know). Then, I read your letter which you just sent, and I wondered about the "crossing" that would have occurred in terms of content. It was so ironic that we were expressing similar things simultaneously (in a way) but mine got "lost" first, before I read yours. I had had my doubts about being "honest" in my "lost" letter, but then thought I'd write it anyway. Anyway, at the very end of my letter I wrote (reconstructing) that sometimes I've found myself wishing or imagining that you were single. I haven't done that in an obsessive way or in a way that I would want to be damaging to myself or to you, and also I am very happy that you have found a companion and have a good life, from what you have expressed to me. However I wrote--I think one thing I fantasize, for example, is finding someone to travel with or share time with who shares the same interests and aesthetics as I do. From our exchanges, in terms of the broad strokes, it seems that we do. (But then what about our past rather catastrophic experiences together although I did not put that in my first letter--see how "daemons" can arise). I wrote that aesthetics has become a key word for me here in Alabama because many people here do not share mine, and by that I mean holding the same appreciation for the same kinds of things. I wrote that I felt our (yours and mine) aesthetics (interests and appreciations) seem to correspond a great deal. That was the main "emotional" content of my letter. The rest of it was talking about finishing The Wall and how I put it aside just before the end to go outside and look at the full moon. The narrator had indicated that some tragic events were to unfold (she was writing retrospectively) and I wanted to be prepared for the sadness, having become so involved in her day to day life. Also, this morning a memory was triggered in me that I used to feel that there was a 'wall" which I couldn't seem to penetrate in terms of understanding the world, or myself, and/or my relationship to it. I used to stand and look out of windows and feel it in almost a palpable sense. Over the years, that feeling has vanished, diminished, or been cured, but it is interesting that the book triggered that recall. My reason for "browsing" the book shelves out at ACM is that I feel there is some synchronicity involved in whatever books or subjects "grab out" at me. I believe that reading The Wall will stay with me, because it is somehow a metaphor for the things which seem impenetrable about myself, or the world--those things I can't quite put my finger on or "reach into" in a way which I think is called for. In a way, I think that applies to our relationship. We have a "wall." At times the past few weeks I've felt impulsive about wanting to break through it, but, but, but. (We've taken down a lot of bricks).              
 
Otherwise, I wrote about observing the clouds this morning and how they changed so dramatically and actually disappeared by the time I got to work. I asked you why it is that my computer sometimes plays music on certain web sites, and to give me an answer if you can, because I don't have external speakers? I told you to check out the Nine Gates web site to see what I mean. I wrote about feeling better and being less sluggish since changing my pattern of not eating the southern meal here, and walking several days this week. My first letter was written better. I 'm sorry I lost it (I think).

 Note: Handwritten across the bottom, “didn’t get sent”

Ok, like another Wow! She found herself, “wishing or imagining that I was single.” What was I to make of that. And she was, “very happy that I had found a companion”, yeah, like sure, that is something you say to be nice when you actually mean the opposite.   She too wanted to tear down the wall between us and some bricks had been taking down exposing holes in the wall that we could see each other on the other side

Re: Walls