A Conversation with Elizabeth
2010
RE: Question

From:          Elizabeth  
To:            Larry
Sent:          Wednesday, September 29, 2010 12:34 AM
Subject:       RE: Question
 
Larry,
 
Thanks for your reply. I teach Tuesday nights, so was home rather late.  I apologize for my question "wowing" you out of the blue.  I hesitated to send the question, because I had questions myself which I couldn't give a full answer to.  For example, one question I had to think about is, "Where is this question coming from--and why?"  I also had to ponder whether I wanted to open something back up (or at least open up a discussion about something) which has basically been "out of sight and out of mind" for the most part.  I also didn't want to cause any "hurt" by opening up wounds, even if well healed.  I also am certainly long past the age when I want anyone to play around with my "heart" or "feelings" and would avoid doing that to anyone else, if I knew that might be a result.   So, I didn't want to hurt you in any way with the question--especially because I didn't have clear answers myself! I can somewhat answer "what brought on my question." I think a short answer is "planning my life," especially to some extent thinking about "retirement decisions."  You're what--four years younger than I--so these decisions aren't quite in your face yet!  Believe me, they are in mine!  As to how you--you as a person--arose in my mind while planning and reflecting on my life--I think once the question was there or appeared more sharply in my thoughts--even though I questioned the question itself--past a certain point I just said, "Well don't wonder or obsess--just put it out there--even if you don't fully know what it is about."   Certainly "growing older day by day" and the notion of being "alone" is an issue, but then again at times I feel I want someone to DO things with when I have time finally to DO them.  I think after your divorce, maybe after I visited you in Reston, the "question" about "us" may have passed through my brain a time or two, but I mostly felt you had completely removed me from your radar.  Basically I decided to just let you be.  A time or two I've brought up the possibility of "visiting" again, but I didn't want to invite myself, and I just said, "If he invites, I might go, but if not, I won't bring it back up." I also thought, "He'd never come see me!"  I had wanted to meet up with you in Gainesville some time and maybe do Cedar Key or a "nostalgia" trip, but then again, nothing like that ever seemed to appear in your mind!  At times also I just hoped that you would find that "one true love happiness" ideal in someone.
 
I don't know anything at all about your dating or relationship history, since your divorce, except that I knew you were mesmerized by the yoga teacher.  "Seeing someone" usually means it is more important than just "dating" or "dating around," and if it is a person you are comfortable with, or find comfort with, that may be sufficient to make it a long term relationship for years to come, if not for the rest of your life.  Right now I am neither "dating" nor "seeing someone."  Dating has had no appeal to me for many years now.  I got major turned off in my last job position because some people took it upon themselves to "match mate" for me, which I resented like hell.  Now, right not, my work and going back and forth between my apartment and my house, to keep it up, keeps me busy enough, although I do have much of the summer completely off, or as much as I choose to have, because I have an option to teach or not teach. I teach "overload" classes at the community college, because the need is so great for instructors, although this term I cut back to six classes, not seven, which completely me wore me out last year (I also got sick on and off for the first time in my life!).
 
In sum, I think I could probably answer like you, "possible, but not likely."  The "not likely" part to me though comes largely, at least right now, from simple geographical separation and distance.  Possibilities themselves require some groundwork (talking, being together, or some other form of intimate exchange) to even see if they are possibilities!  Then, it there is still distance to travel, from the possible to anything actual.
 
I think another issue, which I wrote you about recently as well, is that you (still) seem to live within a self sufficiency wall.  To some extent, I think we are both that way, although I may have more so called "security needs" than you, primarily because of my family background.  I've had one or two men tell me I'm as walled off as I "accuse" you of being.  Once or twice in Reston I thought, "Should I reach out and in to him," and I would say and think "No, if he doesn't reach out or in, I'm just not going to do it."
 
Well, I'm exhausted.  I taught all last week, drove to Kosciusko Friday, did yard work and car maintenance type stuff on the weekend, drove back on Monday just in time to make office hours and teach, then taught tonight, BUT tomorrow I am OFF until I teach on Thursday (although I sometimes poke my head in for an hour or two just for appearances sake on Wednesdays.)
 
Elizabeth

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