1973
A Statement of My Mental and Social Condition

The first of May I wrote in my journal “A Statement of Mental and Social Condition” summarizing my state of mind.  I made an organized list:

May 4, 1973

•   Want to make and electric car but no money Need to sell my car but I like it too much. If gas goes up and I get it fixed up some I might sell it to make my electric car I really wanted an electric car.
Popular Science magazine had an article about how to convert an old car to electric. Remove engine, add electric motor from that you could get from Army surplus, add several car batteries for power and a homemade controller, it didn’t sound all that hard.  I just needed the money to do it.

•   I have painted two new paintings, want to make several more.
I don’t recall what these paintings were and don’t have any photographs of them.  I recall giving at least one of them away to some girl who said she liked it. 

•    Getting into snakes again, got three with help from Bobby Williams

•    Almost everybody around here is going to church retreat so it quiet this weekend and I want to some, painting, cleaning, biking, thinking

•    Mentally feeling very wll adjusted to thing better, not sure why, possibly:
   - new friends
   - job programming
   - found job for the summer
   - have no money .... ?
   - Almost total rejection of religion which has been a major hang up in past because I tried to ask for help from God and none (or none I could see) came and I got disappointed, still hope but logic and despair have moved me more toward rejection. Basically, an existentialist point of view

•   Still many things bothering me but I have found that time with thought is usually the best way towards a solution.

•   Still live in dreams and within myself but not as much as in the past. Think a close relationship with a girl would help me more than anything else but time will tell and I and trying.

•   I’m getting into art and classical music more and more

•   I feel I must come up with something to either shock and thus save the world or escape it but I being to idealist but if everybody was so, wouldn't things be  better off? But who can tell

•   Think the world is getting into a mess and something is going to break soon which is why I don't like looking into the future, can't tell things might work out OK then there will be time for dreams but what if economic and social collapse and possibly war, what of pollution, or over population leading to starvation and possibly war. Can it stop? Can I stop it? Things like this cross my mind often should I devote myself to the now, local, personal problems or bigger things? The first is the easy way, ignore the world, it'll take care of itself, or can, will it? What to do, decisions to be made. Existentialism say I have to make them myself but I don't want to.  This is why I want to believe in god but then is go man's creation and excuse, if not why doesn't he help me, if so how can I tell it is God? so I wait.

Of course, much of my state of mind had to do with girls which there were now several in my thoughts and in in life in my statement of I continued.

Met several new girls that I like:  

Windy - Going with some guy. In several classes with her and works at the computing center where both she and I are student programmers.  Intelligent, somewhat of a freak, we talk with each other quite a lot.  

Jane - Met at the Baptist Student Center. Helped her with programming programs for some of her classes.  I think she's flipped out over me. Went to see here over winter-spring quarter break and got to know here somewhat well.  Bright but not really intelligent.  Tries to be with me all the time and I got tired of her. Couldn't really talk with her. Have been trying to avoid her lately but don't what to tell her why but can't quite bring myself to although I feel I must. (see more about Jane below)  

Cindy: Also met at Baptist Student Center. She's a senior in Medical Technology graduate school this quarter. Never taken her out but have asked her twice. Have talked to here at BSC, seems to like me but I haven't really got to know here as well as I would like to.  I remember seeing Cindy a number of times at the BSC and I would usually talk to her.  I found her quite attractive, tall, thin shoulder length brown hair.  I remember her being intelligent and focused. I only saw her perhaps six or eight times before I stopped going to the BSC.   

Karen - Met through the two girls living next door. A year older studying to be a nurse, has pilots license, talked to her some. Seems interested in me but has been going with some guy for about 2 years. He got busted and now Karen has been fighting with him quite a bit lately, don't think she likes him a whole lot anymore but I don't know here as much as I would like]  

Order of like:
        Windy
        Karen
        Cindy
        Jane

I remember seeing Cindy a number of times at the BSC and I would always try to talk to her.  I found her quite attractive, tall, thin, shoulder length brown hair, and a couple of years older than me.  Older girls appealed to me. I remember her being intelligent and focused and always willing to talk to me.  I only saw her perhaps six or eight times before I stopped going to the BSC.

Jane was a different story; I wrote more about her…

May 7, 1973

For some reason I couldn't figure out why I didn't like Jane.  That is, I like her as friend but not as a lover.  There are several reasons, the first of which were the most obvious but didn't really get to the heart of the matter.  There were small things such as:
1)      She was always asking me to do small things for her that she could really do herself just as well.
2)      She kept wanting to come over to my place to study which bothered me because I had to go get her then take her home.  (I didn't want her sleeping here) and I can't study with her in the room with me because I would talk to her and in general be distracted.
3)      She aways wanted to ether hold my hand or arm and be fight next to me anytime she was around, which got to be almost every day.
4)      When she held my had, arm or just sitting next to  

But, I believe the main reason is that she wasn't all that good looking. This may seem odd but it hit me today that the girl of my dreams and hopes is taller, about 5' 8", thin, but not skinny, say 110 lbs., with a beautiful body and face which, in general, is almost the opposite of Jane who is short, plump, and in my opinion, not a beautiful face.  I believe what finally got to me was the ridiculous grin, not a pleasant smile, which seem to take half her face.  Now that I have almost destroyed her, I should say that I have most likely exaggerate quite a bit and did like her some.  

I didn't have any intimacy with Jane other than holding hands and hugs.  I don’t think I ever kissed her, since I don't remember doing so I probably didn’t. As I described, she was always touching me, which looking back, I think she wanted more from me and if I had responded I likely could have led to sex with her, but she didn't appeal to me in that way.  So why did I see her for so long?  In part it was because she pursued me, which made me feel desired, wanted, liked. 

Later that day I wrote the above I wrote…

A point of interest about myself:

I have tried smoking some grass and like the feeling it gives me.  I've been stoned many a times but of lately very seldom because I been busy with school, studying, work and many other things.

Exercise of the body I feel is important in that it not only keeps one feeling better than if one did not get enough exercise, but it keeps you healthier and will probably make the body last longer.  I try to ride my bicycle to school about three times a week, a mile trip one way, and I also lift weights and do exercise to keep me limber.  

I have found that I really like life and living and why not one might as well because one is here. So make what one may have at the moment do not think of more but do not became obsessed with having more because usually what one has will suffice.

Yes, life was good.