1974
Fall

Now that I was working full time at the University, I got to take a class each quarter for free so I signed up for CIS-462 - Digital Computer Principles 2 which had changed from a Electrical Engineering course to a Computer Science course.

In September I started evaluating my relationship with Elizabeth.  I wrote in my journal…

September 11, 1974

The only thing worse than being with you is being alone in the relationship we now have. So the questions is how long can I wait for our relationship to improve before I give up.  

My main weakness that people can use against me is my patience. How much do I have to give to you before you give me something in return? ERRONEOUS thought: It is not a matter of how much one gives. There is a more important factor, namely love, which is something one cannot quite describe in words for it is an emotion.  

I have become too attached to you emotionally to leave you. Since I feel things that our relationship will/world never work out in such a way which I will be satisfied enough because your feelings towards me and since I can’t bring myself to leave you, I will slowly withdraw which will force you to leave me.  

I learned early in life that personal attachments only lead to grief. Thus now I feel I have no personal attachments to anybody except possibly you.

In November I saw less and less of Elizabeth and wrote the following letter which I never gave to her. 

November 11, 1974

Elizabeth,   

I woke up this morning after dreaming about you. Had to see or hear from you but with nothing to say, not seeing or hearing from you but for an hour or two in weeks seem to say it all, but does it? I’m confused, lonely, hurt. I seem to have lost your, to become one of those acquaintances of the past which periodically comes back to “haunt” me.  No, I don’t want it so, but it is happening or has happened. So what do I do in our relationship when you seem to be a hair’s width out of reach? I move closer with the results of you moving further away.  I gave up (not completely, as is evident.) Part of my life is missing without you. Not knowing nor understanding the situation I feel a great loss. You have almost complete control of our relationship now and I’m sure you will do what is best for you, there being no other way, of course.  It saddens me that it doesn’t’ include me more.   

So how am I handling it?  I program myself to treat you as part of the reality which I don’t live in. Although I find many links between my reality and our reality, you see to want to and are cutting those links. When the last of them are gone I will become isolated, a drifting island among a network of relationships.                                                                                 Larry