Old Rag and Loss

Several years ago Julie's mother died. For the next year her father experienced the "loss" of his wife though out the year, at her birthday, holidays, at times of the year that they shared together. I being the rational, intellectual type that believes that he understands how other feel, believed that I knew what he was experiencing. It was only last weekend that I believe that I really believe that I understand what he was feeling. Let me explain. Although Julie and I had not been married that 50 years that her parents have we had been together for 18 years. For the past 10-12 years, come fall, we had hiked Old Rag together. The Old is moderate hike of about 8 miles but with a 2,000 foot climb, and some rock scrambling at the peak. During the first years we found the hike to be somewhat of a challenge, finishing with that exhausted feeling that you have accomplished something. During the later years the hike was less of a challenge but had a old familiarity to it. Well this year I hiked Old Rag once again but with a difference, with Julie and I getting divorced she wasn't there. I probably would not have hike Old Rag this year but as events turned out I invited my brother, David, to visit and he accepted and came up the weekend. David has always been an outdoors type and had once hiked the Appalachian Trail for three months so it seem like a good idea to hike Old Rag while he was here. I had also mentioned to my daughter, Anne, that David and I were going to hike Old Rag and much to my surprise, she said she want to go to. So the three of us set out on a brisk fall Sunday morning. The leaves were at their fall peak, a brisk wind was blowing and the sky was a crisp blue with a few puffy white clouds, it was a beautiful day. The hike was very enjoyable, we made good time to the summit with Anne setting a good pace. At the summit we ate our lunch, laid in the sun and rested for a while before setting out for the trail down. Once again we got back to the car with that wonderful feeling of being tired but having accomplished something. But for me there was a difference, I wasn't sure what it was at the time but after thinking about the feeling it was the feeling of loss, the loss of not having Julie there on the trip this year and to think that we may never share the experience together again or if we do it would not be the same. I do now really feel I understand Julie's father's loss of his wife. As the year progresses, with each season, each birthday, each holiday, with the things we once shared together and no longer will, I will feel the loss. But because of the loss comes new things, new opportunities and new experiences.

Yes, Old Rag has many memories, many feelings, some new some old, some good, some sad, but all part of me. 

Larry Mixson, 1999