A Conversation with Elizabeth
1998
Typos

From:          Elizabeth
To:            Larry.m.mixson@bvs.com
Date:          3/6/98 4:07pm
Subject:       Typos
 
Often I'm typing very quickly and I notice later many typos. I'm glad that you question things that seem odd, because I wouldn't want a typo to be dispositive--a good lawyerly word. I think though I was asking a question to you and to myself--I wonder what stories he/you must have that I have never heard. Perhaps it should have been an exclamation.
 
Obviously people fall on a continuum in the ability to know they are experiencing an emotion, to identify to themselves what that emotion is, and then also to share or express the emotions appropriately to other people, and not only that but to the correct people. I personally think I am and or have been impaired in all aspects of that. You asked about how being half English impacted on me. Very much. It impacted on me even more when I moved into the Deep South (Alabama) when I left Florida. The stereotype is the unfeeling, unexpressive, stiff upper lip English. My mother only rarely expressed affection or feelings towards me, not even "I love you." In fact I don't recall ever hearing her say that--although ironically when I have visited her now, when she has AZ, she has said it. A long wait. Adding that cultural influence to a dysfunctional F of 0 in which emotions and feelings were also ignored, scoffed at, denied, or belittled made for a non-optimal emotional foundation. I have had to work at all this so much, and it is all still hard. I had a counselor here who was wonderful. I saw her during my transition out of the public library. She could speak with emotional content so clearly and expressively. For example, "I am very happy and pleased that you were accepted to law school. I am excited about your future." I tried to learn from her as a role model. I chuckled at your list of emotions. I have one also, but not from her. I got mine at the Crisis Center. We used it to try and help clients identify their feelings through active listening. For example, "You sound as if you are (fill in the blank). I sort of laughed at what you wrote because I have looked at the list and tried to "identify" what I am feeling.
 
Part of my problem has been being numb, or anesthetized, to my feelings. Sometimes if people ask me what I am feeling, I draw a blank, or even sort of freeze. But, as you discovered, ask me what I am thinking. I recall from my time with you that I often just felt "mute." Interestingly I never thought of you as unemotional or unexpressive, or at least compared to me. Your eyes were always very expressive. I agree that we are "alike" in our favor of logical, analytical approaches, though I might want to do a parse of logical (which I often don't feel I am) as contrasted with analytical (which I think I am to the extreme). I had some friends in Tuscaloosa who got angry with me because they said I couldn't just "live," I always had to analyze.[1]
 
I'd like a friend too. In fact, I need one. I'm HAPPY we recontacted. I'm PLEASED that you are so willing to write and communicate. I think we seem to be alike in just letting people go who move out of sight. At times I actually make a decision to not do so, then I do it. Just recently I lost contact with a friend of mine in Birmingham, 50 miles from here, who I was very close to in Tuscaloosa. We wrote a few letters and cards, then I guess I quit. This year, my Christmas card came back, address unknown. I hate that. Now I don't know if I will ever find her again. That was totally inexcusable. Melanie Klein, or it may be Kline, I can't remember, talks of "object constancy." That is the ability to hold an object in mind and heart in the absence of the object. A very young child can't do it. You can remove something from their sight, distract them slightly, and they totally "forget" the object. Later they will mature and scream for it to return. Impaired "object constancy" can exist in adults, according to her. The belief in the constancy of objects (translated into people in terms of her theory) is an important developmental milestone, which can also unfortunately get really messed up. I think mine did. I recall what you said about Julie, "She was there for me when my father had his heart attack and that meant a lot to me."
 
Have you seen the older movie "Jacob's Ladder." I caught it on television a while back and re-watched it. If you haven't seen it, I think you may enjoy it. Did you see Titanic? When it first opened I asked to leave work thirty minutes early one day last year so I could catch the 4:30 show. I'm really glad I went then, because it rapidly became so popular, the lines became insane. We just got one of those multiplex theatres here that has the tiered seating and the incredible sound. I definitely wanted to see the movie at a theatre which would show the film to the best advantage. To me the most moving scene was towards the end. I don't want to write about it in case you haven't see it yet. The Titanic story has always fascinated me.


[1] This was like Wow! This was the Elizabeth that I remembered, cold, logical, never showing emotion. If I was Spock, she would have been the perfect mate. And she, the logical, rational one, saw me as being expressive while my highly emotional and expressive wife Julie saw me as the logical, rational one. Sometimes the perspective changes everything, sometimes seeing yourself from the perspective of the other person changes your perception.

This was the last message that Friday afternoon, what started as one email a day was now four, five or more a day.  I was in the final days of work with nothing to do so I had plenty of time to correspond. I found it interesting how she had the time at her work to write so many and some exceptionally long emails. Well it was Friday afternoon and I went home. We would pick back up again on Monday. . Reflecting back upon the time, I was communicating better with Elizabeth than with Julie.

Endings and Beginnings