A Conversation with Elizabeth
1998
Bad Day at Black Rock

From:          Elizabeth  
To:            LMixson@PEC.com
Sent:          Thursday, May 7, 1998 4:38 PM
Subject:       Bad Day at Black Rock[1]
  
I had sort of a bad night.  The Contracts class was rather upsetting.  The professor went over the test, but did not have our grades for us and we didn't have our copies to look at, yet he had told someone there were 9 F's and 15 D's. As he went over the test my grade, in my mind, kept slipping down, down.  Everyone was getting pretty upset.  After this, the prof went on to a highly detailed lengthy lecture on something very intricate.  Most people couldn't even concentrate.  My notes are a mess.  I took a drive after class to sort of calm down, just basically going to the post office, but when I came out I saw what I thought was a note on my windshield.  It wasn't.  It was a 15.00 parking ticket from school for improper parking (I had parked facing the wrong way.)  On top of what I felt was the steep 15.00, the ticket said "Pay in 72 hours or the fine will double."  I found that an extremely punitive "student" policy for a university to have.  On top of it, I had exactly 18.50 cents in checking until payday (tomorrow).  I found out just a while back that my friend was so "depressed" after class last night that she had to stay home from work.  I think it was poor pedagogically to have not had the grades ready, but to "discuss them."  They won't be ready until next week, at the earliest Monday, or even possibly as late as next Wednesday.  Because of class, I had a hard time sleeping and got "off" on my mother and started crying about her and what's happened to her, and my difficulties in attending to a visit--and my knee had started "killing me" also, once again. (Strange because I had a vigorous walk after work with no discomfort at all.) I finally got to sleep after one o'clock.  Gracefully, work has been busy enough to keep me distracted, but not so much to exhaust me, as I am tired. 
 
The major upsetting aspect of a bad grade is having to repeat the entire class.  I can't imagine having to do that, and it would exhaust me terribly, but it happens to a lot of students.  What bothered me most was that being the person who always speaks out or up, I mentioned to the professor during the review that he had not covered a particular topic which he had expected us to "produce" on the test.  He said "Of course I did, several times."  Well, I know he didn't.  I asked him to ask the rest of the class, but he said, "I'm not taking a poll.  You can do that on break if you want."  So I asked a few A and A+ students at break, and they all agreed with me.  I then communicated that to the professor, but one absolute yo-yo student kept saying, Yeah, Yeah, I remember the discussions.  I stared at him and he said, "If just one of us "got it" that means you're wrong."  I couldn't even reply.  I told the prof I had been to every class and taped and relistened to every lecture, but later when he was lecturing he said, "Get this down straight. Don't be one of those students who comes up at the end of the semester and says, I was here every night, and taped the lectures, and you didn't discuss this."  I thought that was "unfair" and of all that happened in class, I got the worst feeling from that. It upset my friend as well.[2] 
 
I'm really basically okay.  I got the ticket in the mail, and then I found out unexpectedly in TRIPLY verifying I did have 18.50 in my checking account to pay it that my check had already been posted for this week.  That was a relief.  I was scared a slight miscalculation could bounce a sequence of checks, although I'm fairly meticulous about keeping my check book balanced.  Still shaving down to a 2.50 balance feels "risky."  I haven't done that in ages and ages. (Also, it's not that that's all the money I have, it's all I had in checking.  I have a money market account which I can draw on, but if I go below a certain limit I lose the higher interest, so I try to keep it that way.  But, it's just at the limit, with no spare, not even 15.00 because I paid my tuition, taxes, and IRA deduction).  About the ticket, I decided it was best to pay it then protest with a scathing letter, because if I didn't pay it they would go ahead and double it anyway, whether I protest or not.  Plus, I don't have the time to drive over there and "protest." 
 
I don't know what to "do" about my mother.  I just obsess endlessly about this.  I thought about talking to my counselor, but she can't tell me more than you and I have discussed.  I can't get the momentum for the trip, whether that is psychological or physical or emotional, but then I suppose what I feel is guilt, but also sadness.  I think I agree with what you said, that you would put an end to it/yourself rather than continue that way.  However, I still think that perhaps my mother gets some enjoyment or something out of living, though I'm not sure what. 
 
Anyway, we don't talk about downers very much.  Perhaps we're both on a fairly even keel most of the time. I'm in a "what's life all about mood."
 
Elizabeth

[1] Bad Day at Black Rock is a 1995 western movie which I’m not sure if it has anything to do with her day other than being a bad day.
[2] This was typical for Elizabeth, confrontation when she knows she is right. It’s not that she shouldn’t say something, it the way she does it.

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