A Conversation with Elizabeth
2009
Ruminating

From:          Elizabeth
To:            Larry
Sent:          Saturday, October 17, 2009 11:43 PM
Subject:       Elizabeth E.  sent you a message on Facebook...
 
Elizabeth sent you a message.
 
Subject:       Ruminating
 
"I came home this weekend from Lucedale, where I work, to Kosiusko where I still have my house. Also, there was an astronomy presentation here that I wanted to go to at a place called Rainwater Observatory, which I have to drive out on the Trace to get to.  Rainwater always has four weekend presentations in October, but tonight's lecture on "Galaxies" was the only one I knew I'd be able to make, as usually I'm in Lucedale.  Anyway, driving back tonight on the Trace, and having to go really slow because there were so many deer out on the roadsides, I started thinking about you!  Part of what I thought was that you are one of the most interesting and fascinating people I have ever known.  I always thought that, from the very beginning when I met you so many years ago.  You have so many interests that I either share "mentally" or share actually (for example I was interested in yoga years and years ago and took classes, but then moved and never had an opportunity to pick up on it again.  Anyway though, when I think about how interesting you are, and the fact that you are also a really fine person, I always wonder why your marriage didn't last, and then I wonder why you haven't yet found someone else.  But, I also wonder why you and I never became anything long lasting either.  I think what may have triggered me thinking about you were the exchanges on your Facebook page about being with your "family" at Thanksgiving.  Sometimes I envy people with large families, who still get together.  My family was very very small and the few of us "left" don't get together at all.  But also I remembered that when I was semi-dating you, I never really felt your family approved, and that always made me very uncomfortable, because my very own family didn't approve of me much, so I didn't need another dis-approving family.  But also, because you have your family support system, and also because you are also really independent, you always seemed to me way back when, and now as well, to not really truly "need" anyone.  I think that used to scare me when I first knew you, because even though I felt you "wanted" to be with me in some way, that in other ways I was "fungible," i.e. there wasn't any special need attached to being just with me, i.e. I'm not sure I felt special to you or with you, although I recall you sometimes did very loving things.  I recall once you left me a "stack" of xmas gifts once--I can't exactly recall the context of why you left them for me without being there, but I remember the anguish I felt at the conflict between us.  I also think I feared that I would grow old and age and with you being younger, any appeal I might have to you would be lost with the years.  But anyway, I'm fairly happy with my life at times, certainly more so the last month or so that I'm back into a meaningful and fairly well paying (for the South) job.  I'm really enjoying yoga, but I put on a little more weight being unemployed for almost a whole year, so it is a long hill I'm climbing to get back into any kind of shape at all.  I have deep appreciation for your dedication to staying fit and healthy.  I did for so many years, well into my 40's, and even early 50's I was still walking and exercising regularly, but then I got on a slippery slope of sorts!  Also, writing this, I realize as well that while you are quite a romantic and also intellectual, you  keep your thoughts and feelings somewhat locked up.  I always felt we should have been two people who could or would talk until the wee hours of the morning, but then we seldom did.  Even writing this, I feel it will be almost like a message in a bottle, that I'm simply tossing into the sea.  Anyway, I've been struggling with a bad upper respiratory track illness the past few weeks, due to really really bad allergies, and I hoped being hope I could rest and recover.  Sunday afternoon early I'll drive back to Lucedale, because I have to teach Monday night.  Also, I may be in a tad of hot water because my doctor told me not to work, so I took a sick leave from Thursday onwards, only to find out I was supposed to turn in midterm grades on Friday--but by then I was already in Kosiusko.  I don't know hot to close this, except with "good night" and I wanted you to know I was thinking about you.  Elizabeth"

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