1979

For Want of a Woman

Journal Entry
September 7, 1979
For Want of a Woman

So here I sit, a bit stoned, a bit high, but what the hell I’m by myself again.  I mean, really, what the hell does it matter when you by yourself?  Spending the evening with Al and his wife Melissa last night just made me more aware of how lonely I really am.  But loneliness is something that I’ve become familiar with.  The times with Elizabeth were probably the best but they at the best were, say, were only OK.  So I have never had love, at least not with one that loved me.  I don’t believe that one can truly love, you know that deep down love, if the other person doesn’t love you the same.  That was the case with Bev.  She said from the start that she didn’t love me.  She thought of me as a close friend or perhaps a brother.  Shit!  Why did I waste as much time as I did with her?  I thought she would someday come around and realize that she really did love me.  It was a lost cause, I now realize.  She is gone, I’ll never call her.  So I forget about her as other friends that moved away.  So time is passing, or is time progressing?  Either way I get older and love still eludes me yet.  Love.  Yes, love, perhaps the thing I want the most.  The touch, the feel, the soft sound, the fragrance, a woman.  A woman beside me at night.  A woman to comfort me when I’m down.  I truly believe that the day I give up on finding such a woman, a true love, is the day that I will die.  Do dreams really come true?  I feel I could achieve anything that I could want in life but it would be fruitless if I never experienced that true love. 

So as I told Al and Melissa, I am starting to feel old, everyone I seem to meet my age seems to be married, married and divorced, or at least attached (living with someone).  What’s the matter with me, I haven’t even had a date in a year.

So I look for the perfect woman, a perfect woman is what drives me.  It also will most likely be my downfall for I’ll never achieve as much as I could.  It has been said that behind every great man is a great woman.  Perhaps in my case it will be the lack , but driving desire for a great woman that could make me great.  I don’t actually believe that, lack of a great woman, or even just a woman, is more likely to lead to depression and rejection.  Perhaps more self-inflicted than caused by others, but still, pretty much down and out life.