A Conversation with
Elizabeth
1998
Reflections on Time
From:
Elizabeth
To:
LMixson@PEC.com
Sent: Friday,
March 27, 1998 11:13 AM
Subject: Reflections on Time
Part of the conflict about my trip to Florida is that I DON't need all
that much time, confined in a car, to reflect. If my time is out
of balance, it is in not having time to actually DO things which I would
like or need to do. In that perspective, 20 hours in a car is a
boulder on the seesaw. With 20 hours of "free" time, I can think
of aeons of things which I either would like to do, or even need to do.
The see-saw also involves the fact that my mother will either confuse or
dis-remember a few hours later or a day later that I was even there.
I'm not certain this time if she will even know "me." I want to
afford her whatever pleasure or happiness she may get from "seeing me,"
which I think has been the case up until this time. I think though
my time concerns are a reflection of the entire ambivalent relationship
I have had with my mother over time. It's not as if I can drive
for 10 hours and think, "Oh I'm so happy, I'm going down to see my
mother." The fact that she has Alzheimer's both, strangely enough,
makes seeing her easier and harder. It is easier because,
literally and figuratively, the past is over between us. (Except the
past which I deal with internally.) All I do is spend some time
with her, try to detect any of her needs which are not getting
addressed, buy her some ice cream, etc. Occasionally, for often
she is actually "normal," we talk about things, but sometimes she is
confabulating, although quite plausibly. I have checked out some
of her stories with my sister-in-law and they were "made up."
In terms of my life, I basically have a "five year plan." I read
something yesterday which you and I talked about already, that shifting
jobs is normative. This author said that many people take what he
calls "project" jobs. They finish them and move on. His
point was that all jobs need to be approached that way, even if you are
planning on staying. I can't really predict that Baptist will even
have a library five years down the road, but working at Baptist right
now is part of my "five year project." Many hospitals have phased their
libraries out.
Within apprx. five years I should finish law school and hopefully pass
the bar within that time or soon thereafter. That meshes in
comfortably with the fact that at five years I am eligible for Baptist
retirement, although at five years it would probably be 25.00 month
(just kidding, but it may very well be that). So while going to
law school, I'm also "vesting" in a parallel or back-up plan. I
figure at about five to six years from now I will have a "big" decision
regarding how to apply my law degree, whether or not to move, etc. Fresh
beginning lawyers can often make LESS than I am already making here,
unless coming from an Ivy League school or major university. Currently
my feelings are that I might stay here, possibly, and start a
night/weekend "practice," or link up in a joint situation with some of
my "friends" from law school.
So, let's say, I have the "broad" brush strokes in place. What I
would like to use the "20 hours" for is doing some simple things,
getting my impatiens planted, getting my bird feeder up, laundry,
drycleaning, hair cut, oil change, trying to find some spring/summer
clothes, reading--because all too soon its back to "school" and, I'm
sorry, but I am not exaggerating, it is TONS of work. I was in the
library after work last night from 5:00 to 7:30--that's just a little
"additional" work that got dropped on me Wed. night. I hope you
had a good game of racquetball while I "slaved" over WestLaw.
Fortunately I enjoy it and is, in some perspectives, my recreation or my
re-creation.
Updated: 04-04-2024